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I have no words to truly describe how I feel these days. I am on an emotional roller coaster. I find myself sitting a puddle of tears, sobbing at the drop of a hat. I hate it. I mean, I really hate it. Yeah, I could probably ask the dr. for a prescription but honestly, that's not going to take the things away that are causing these feelings. It may be a band-aid & I honestly don't like anything that anti-depressants do to me. This year, I turn 40. I am ok with that...what I am not ok with is my new station in life. I am not ok with where things have gone in the last year of my life. I am not ok with not seeing my son for 14 months, I am not ok with him giving his girlfriend a promise ring (they are too young & I won't even go into it). I am not ok with knowing that I can no longer be at things at my daughter's school. I am not ok with feeling like I am now going to miss out on so much of her day now that I work outside the house. I am not ok with how my mother could not find the time to spend with my daughter when we visited last month. I am not ok with now having 2 adult children. I am not ok with much of anything these days. It's a terrible feeling & there's nothing I can do about it. I have to come to terms with all of these things. They are out of my control. So much change in such a short period of time, none of it good.
I am trying to focus on what I am ok with right now. I am ok with my job. It has grown on me. I am ok with the attorneys I work for. They are actually very nice & very understanding about my schedule needing some flexibility. I am ok with bringing home a paycheck. I am ok with the friends that I have....more than ok with that. I have some awesome friends. I am ok with the fact that my house isn't as clean as it once used to be. I am ok with having my nights & evenings off. That's something I rarely got when I worked from home. I am ok with the fact that I took my first paid vacation...a non-working vacation in 6 years. I am ok with the fact that I just unloaded all of this into cyberspace! I needed to put it somewhere!
2 years ago
Hope, I am so sorry you are going through this. {{{{HUGS}}}} Sending hugs and prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteCarol
Thanks Carol. It's a huge transition. I am sure it will get better with time. I am still in the adjustment period.
ReplyDeleteHEY YOU! I didn't know you had a blog! (Thx for commenting on inMagsWorld - I hate Cartoon Network too!)
ReplyDeleteNow - your post - Things are going to be better - not perfect - and not necessarily what you have in mind, but they will get better. I know God has a magnificent plan for you and all three of your great kids. I'm sorry that "jewelry" was involved before Bartt deploys (grrrrr!!!), and I can't imagine how scared you are for him. But my family and I very much appreciate and THANK him (and you!) for the sacrifices all of you will be making to defend our country. He is a hero to us - and when you have an address for him, please share it b/c we will send him care packages too!
Separately, do not feel guilty ONE IOTA for doing what you have to do to support your family. Bella will be just fine, and while I know you hate to miss out on day-to-day volunteering, she'll be just as thrilled when you are able to take off for the BIG stuff (like field trips). Kids are resilient, and you have given them a great start.
I'm here if you need to vent, girl!
HuGs!
:) Mags