Trials

It seems for the past 3 years, my life has become a series of trials.  I feel like I should have seen it coming.  I should not have been blind sided by the first one, therefore, I should know that there is another one coming.  Each time, I don't see it coming....they hit me like a ton of bricks. I learn something new from each one but I will tell you that the process continues to be extremely painful.  My latest trial is about trusting and letting my guard down.

I let my guard down fairly quickly when I moved to OH.  I felt safe and at home here immediately.  I made friends easily.  Only a few at first, however, after 11 years here, I have made many friends.  Some of which I considered to be closer than others.  Letting people in and trusting has always been an issue for me. You see, if you are privy to information about my childhood, you know why.  Betrayed and hurt by those I loved the most, trusting has been something I have long struggled with.  It took years for me to get to where I am today...ok not today, where I was about 2 weeks ago when a close, trusted friend of 4 years broke my heart and my trust into a million tiny pieces.  She broke up with me as a friend.  No reason...just that the "season of our friendship had faded with time."  EXCUSE ME?!?!  WHAT?!  Yeah...I begged her not to give up on our friendship, told her I loved her & treasured our friendship.  Her reply after I poured my heart out?  "Be respectful & don't take it personally."  WHAT?! EXCUSE ME??!  Please explain how I am NOT supposed to take it personally.  Sleepless nights & many tears have followed this.  It's left me shell shocked & confused.  It's left me questioning things and thinking non-stop about who I am, what kind of friend and person I am and about opening myself up to be hurt like this again.  

Today as I stood cleaning out my closet....I thought about all of this again....cleaning is therapy for me.  Purging...it's like re-hab.  I realized that while I am still hurting, I am blessed beyond measure by having opened myself up like this.  I have made some of the most amazing friends.  Friends who leave me feeling like my heart will explode from the joy that they bring into my life.  And I have fantastic memories and many good times that I shared with my "ex-girlfriend" and her family.  I would not trade those to have NOT experienced this pain.  I'm certain that there is a purpose for this trial, like the others.  I just don't know what it is yet.  Maybe it's that it's ok to trust & take the chance at being hurt bc there is so much joy to be had.  I can say, that of all of the places I have lived in my 41 years....this place is home.  This community is where I belong.  The connections I have made here make me feel as though this is where I belong.  I have yet to come to terms with the break-up.  I will, it's just hurtful and I miss her...but I try to view it as she opened up a spot in my heart and my life for someone else.  Perhaps, someone who will appreciate what I have to offer...I'm not perfect.  I never claimed to be.  Accept me flaws and all or walk away.  Apparently, this time walking away was what was best.  My guess is that, in the end, this will be what's best for me too.  While I lick my wounds, I will bask in the glow of the friends who have scratched their heads with me on this one, shared my pain and anger along with a bottle or 4 of wine.  No matter what, I will not close myself off again. The joy that I opened myself up to once I moved here is so much more than I ever could have imagined.