Today, I realized that it was 4 years ago today that I lost my job. A job that meant that I was able to be the wife and mom I had always wanted to be along with contributing to our family financially. It crushed me, devastated me. It left me broke, broken and shamed among other things. I still feel the repercussions of that job loss, both financially and emotionally. I often feel that I am not doing a good job in any area of my life - wife, mother, employee. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop - another unexpected pothole in the road of life.
Financially, we are on the road to recovery. Emotionally - well, most days are good. Some days are not.
Yesterday was our first snow day of the school year. Facebook showed me that my stay at home mom or teacher friends enjoyed taking pictures of playing in the snow, sledding adventures and building snowmen, rejoicing in the first snowfall and the snow day that it produced. My green eyed monster of envy came out. I got up, got ready, brushed all the snow off my car and left my house extra early to make a white knuckled commute to my office. Looking at those pictures, I reminded myself that I needed to be thankful that my husband was able to work from home so that we didn't have to rush to find last minute child care. My daughter still enjoyed her snow day to the fullest extent.
I have no photographs to document the day but her stories of her fun day filled our dinner conversation. I realized that sometimes, it's the social media age that sometimes leads us to feelings of inadequacy on some level. Yesterday - I allowed it to get to me. Yes, I was still sad that I wasn't able to play in the snow with my daughter yesterday but if yesterday is any indication, there will be many more days over the course of this winter just like yesterday. My daughter had a great day, never once saying "I wished that you would have been here to play in the snow with me." She was just happy to have the day off of school and to enjoy playing in the snow period. I try to always look for the silver lining in each thing. Some days, it's harder than others but I always look for it.