Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Dipping my toes in....

Today I allowed myself to dip my toes into the sea of depression.  Once I dipped my toes in, I found myself allowing it to swallow me and wash over me...I began to sink to the bottom.  Why I allow this I have no clue...I knew where I was going when I teased that water with my toes.  What brings on my sadness that I allowed to consume me?  Summer.  Yep.  Summer is bittersweet for me.  I enjoy the homework free evenings, evenings free from sporting events and the constant running.  What I don't enjoy is that I am at work five days a week & gone for around 10 hours a day.  I miss my daughter, I miss spending afternoons at the pool or mornings at Kings Island with her. These are the things I enjoyed when I worked from home.  Had I never known that life, I probably wouldn't miss it so much.  Having lived that life for 6 years, it's a tough thing to let go of.  Last summer was horrible because I was adjusting to the new job, new schedule and a completely new life.  It was a blur.  Summer is back and today, it made me sad.  I wish with all of my heart I didn't have to work a full time job outside the home.  There's no way for us to make it without me working full time no matter how many corners we cut.  Today, I yet again mourned the loss of my previous life and I began to wonder if I would ever not allow my mind to go there and to think about how good our family had it when I worked from home full time.  I try to remind myself of the benefits of working outside the house now...that my evenings (most of the time) are mine & I am not chained to my computer working until the wee hours making up for the time I spent doing things to entertain a child who clearly wanted to be with other children not at home with me all day.  My weekends are mine (most of the time), I no longer work 7 days a week as I did when I worked from home.  My vacations are mine, they are no longer working vacations...that time is time that we get to be a family & the focus is on that, no work is hanging over my head.  My mind wanders to the things that my child cannot do because many...well, most, of the summer camps & activities are  designed for kids who have a parent at home, family that can cart them to & from or a parent with a flexible schedule.   None of those are an option for our family & I feel like my daughter is missing out on things...is she?  I'm not sure, she doesn't know what's out there that she's not getting to do but I do.    I struggle to let go of all of these things and that's what pulls me under into that ugly sea of depression.  I need to just move on from it....I'm working on it.  At least I allowed myself to float back up to the top today and found myself using that frustration to accomplish some long overdue tasks.  

1 comment:

  1. It's so hard to give up something that was working so well. Especially something that was working so well for the family. Sure there are upsides and downsides to everything as noted but I don't fault you in the least for looking back and mourning. And you are right. Summer is a hard time to work when our children are out of school and we are not with them. Just keep looking forward!




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