I'm a full-time working mom of 3, grandmother to 3. I have one child left at home, the older two are married, each with a daughter and one with a son. Like any working mom, I struggle to find a balance between work, family, friends, fitness, work, etc.
Today I allowed myself to dip my toes into the sea of depression. Once I dipped my toes in, I found myself allowing it to swallow me and wash over me...I began to sink to the bottom. Why I allow this I have no clue...I knew where I was going when I teased that water with my toes. What brings on my sadness that I allowed to consume me? Summer. Yep. Summer is bittersweet for me. I enjoy the homework free evenings, evenings free from sporting events and the constant running. What I don't enjoy is that I am at work five days a week & gone for around 10 hours a day. I miss my daughter, I miss spending afternoons at the pool or mornings at Kings Island with her. These are the things I enjoyed when I worked from home. Had I never known that life, I probably wouldn't miss it so much. Having lived that life for 6 years, it's a tough thing to let go of. Last summer was horrible because I was adjusting to the new job, new schedule and a completely new life. It was a blur. Summer is back and today, it made me sad. I wish with all of my heart I didn't have to work a full time job outside the home. There's no way for us to make it without me working full time no matter how many corners we cut. Today, I yet again mourned the loss of my previous life and I began to wonder if I would ever not allow my mind to go there and to think about how good our family had it when I worked from home full time. I try to remind myself of the benefits of working outside the house now...that my evenings (most of the time) are mine & I am not chained to my computer working until the wee hours making up for the time I spent doing things to entertain a child who clearly wanted to be with other children not at home with me all day. My weekends are mine (most of the time), I no longer work 7 days a week as I did when I worked from home. My vacations are mine, they are no longer working vacations...that time is time that we get to be a family & the focus is on that, no work is hanging over my head. My mind wanders to the things that my child cannot do because many...well, most, of the summer camps & activities are designed for kids who have a parent at home, family that can cart them to & from or a parent with a flexible schedule. None of those are an option for our family & I feel like my daughter is missing out on things...is she? I'm not sure, she doesn't know what's out there that she's not getting to do but I do. I struggle to let go of all of these things and that's what pulls me under into that ugly sea of depression. I need to just move on from it....I'm working on it. At least I allowed myself to float back up to the top today and found myself using that frustration to accomplish some long overdue tasks.